The RAW Deal

(Rooters) The White House announced today a new initiative intended to produce efficiencies and cost-savings in the redistribution of income. “The program, termed “Redistribute America’s Wealth” or RAW, effects the direct transfer of monies from those citizens who can afford it to those in need,” said White House spokesman, Robert Gibbs. According to Gibbs, the program involves freeing convicted felons from prison and letting them rob families and burglarize households. "We realize the income transferred would initially go to bars, hookers, drug dealers, race tracks, and Obama commemorative merchandise vendors, but projections by the president's economic advisors indicate these revenues would eventually bubble-up to low-income Americans. And in keeping with the president's pledge, only those making over 250,000 dollars per year will be subject to the direct requisition of their wealth,” added Gibbs.

The new initiative was praised by members of the president’s party as an example of a public-private partnership. Senator Reid (D-NV) said the program should be welcomed by the opposition party since it reduces prison costs and does not require the creation of a new government agency to administer. “I believe the IRS can oversee the program,” he said, adding, “They have the expertise.” While Rep. Maxine Waters, (D-CA) agreed, she indicated that ACORN should assume a consulting role and planned to redirect 21 billion in federal funds for the program that had previously been earmarked to ACORN for registering voters among the interred. “I realize that the voting rights of the interred have long been overlooked, except in Chicago, of course,” she said, “But I believe the RAW program has priority since it creates jobs.” Speaker of the House, Pelosi (D-CA) expressed doubts, however, saying, “I don’t think we should be privatizing jobs that are traditionally done by federal workers.” Blue Dog Democrats said they didn’t know what to think until pressured by Rep. Pelosi.

In a statement to the press, President Obama called his new program “The RAW Deal.” The statement went on to indicate that the president would be creating a special assistant to oversee the program. Gibbs was asked if the president had a candidate for the post and he replied that, “The president will appoint Mr. Chill-U Jackson as the new redistribution czar.” He added, “We don’t plan to seek senate confirmation since Jackson.might not be around long enough. They don't grow old on death row in Texas.”

On “This Week With George Stephanopoulos” President Obama was asked if the new program isn’t actually “plain old robbery.” The president scoffed, saying, “It’s just a tax, George, like any other.” The president also announced that he was considering letting loose murderers from prison and sending them to Afghanistan. “As you know, they’re clamoring for more troops there, and under this plan that I just happened to spot on my teleprompter, they would receive significant reinforcements,” he said.

Republicans reacted angrily. “This is another tax on the middle class” said Sen. Inhofe (R-OK). “We’ve been down this road before. Next thing you know, they’ll be robbing people making less than 150,000,” added Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. Sen. Kyl (R-AZ) claimed that prices for arms and ammunition would skyrocket since newly released RAW collectors would compete with honest citizens at gun store counters. “We don’t need this kind of inflationary pressure. Not before hunting season,” he said. Sen. McCain (R-AZ) suggested that Republicans may be open to a compromise. "My friends, I think we can exclude children's lunch money." Sen. Graham (R-SC) agreed, adding, "Whatever he said."

Health and life insurance industry representatives announced they oppose the president's RAW plan, while AARP indicated they would continue to shill for whatever the president wants, regardless.

Website Builder