I saw the hilarious movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and was inspired to write this short screenplay:
CONFESSIONS OF A SPENDAHOLIC
INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE – NIGHT
A professionally dressed, but downcast looking group of people sit in chairs arranged in a circle to face each other. They are led by a balding, bearded THERAPIST.
THERAPIST
So, how'd it go this past week? Anyone want to share?
He looks over at an older woman with a face frozen by botox, NANCY PELOSI.
THERAPIST
Glad you could make it this week, Nancy.
PELOSI
I’m making progress, I think. I found out corporate executives fly around in their own private jets. So I held a hearing just so the public can see what wasteful spenders they are.
THERAPIST
But, don’t you commute in your own private jet?
PELOSI
That’s different. I’m important.
A rumpled old man, JACK MURTHA, raises his hand.
THERAPIST
Yes, Jack?
MURTHA
I almost slipped a 600 million appropriation into a bill renaming a post-office after my pet pig-
THERAPIST
How is Porker?
MURTHA
He still has those ear marks. Anyway, what I was going to say is that it wasn’t much money and it would create an institute in my district for the study of hummingbird songs. If we can identify what tunes they’re humming, maybe we could find a substitute for that rap crap.
PELOSI
That could have national health care implications.
MURTHA
That’s what I thought. But I restrained myself.
THERAPIST
Good! Good! Anyone else?
A grizzled old man with squinty eyes, HARRY REID, stands up.
REID
Face it everyone. We’ve lost the war on pork.
THERAPIST
That’s not a very positive attitude, Harry.
REID
But I was being positive.
MURTHA
What difference does it make how much we spend? It ain’t coming out of our pockets.
A man with a head swollen much too large for his body, CHUCK SCHUMMER, stands up and puts his arm around MURTHA.
SCHUMMER
He’s right, you know. The American people don’t care how much of their tax dollars we waste.
PELOSI
Just so long as we don’t raise taxes on the middle class.
MURTHA
Yeah. And we don’t squeeze the golden goose enough to kill it.
PELOSI
Yeah, we aren't communists, for Christ's sake. We're socialists!
THERAPIST
But it’s not your money!
Everyone looks at the THERAPIST uncomprehendingly. A walking wrinkle of a man, HARRY BYRD, puffs himself up and slowly rises to his feet.
BYRD
True. It’s not our loot. It belongs to the Chinks.
PELOSI
Right on, Harry. We’re just borrowing it back.
THERAPIST
Don’t you understand? It’s like I told Barney Frank last week. You know, when he admitted telling Freddie and Fannie to let poor people with no credit buy houses they can’t afford. Sooner or later, there comes a day of reckoning.
BARNEY FRANK looks sheepish. Everyone else just stares at the floor.
PELOSI
Okay. Okay. But it’s only 2 billion to fund abortions. That’s pocket change.
BYRD
You’re right, Nancy. Think how much money we’d save if there were less damned negroes to collect welfare payments.
Everyone stares at him in shock. Byrd looks embarrassed.
BYRD
Uh… This isn't a klan meeting, is it? Sorry, sometimes at my age I get a little confused.
THERAPIST
Listen. You all said you want fiscal restraint. Some of you even campaigned on ending earmarks and bringing spending under control. Were you lying?
Everyone looks sheepish, afraid to make eye contact with the THERAPIST.
PELOSI
Well, we are politicians.
Suddenly, the door opens and an African-American with big ears, BARACK OBAMA, walks in and takes a seat. He looks like he’s gazing off into the distance, chin jutted, eyes squinted.
OBAMA
Sorry, I’m late.
THERAPIST
Would you like to introduce yourself?
OBAMA
I’m Barack Obama and I’m a spendaholic.
EVERYONE
Hello, Barack!
THERAPIST
Would you like to tell everyone why you’re here?
OBAMA
Well, you probably all know the story. Like you, I just find spending money to be stimulating. But look. Just the other day, I talked to a group of economists and they told me there’s nothing wrong with spending money like an alcoholic on a binge.
MURTHA
You did?
OBAMA
That’s a fact. Look. I can’t stop the oceans from rising or heal the planet if I can’t spend a few bucks. Know what I mean?
SCHUMMER
Say it again, bro!
OBAMA
We face catastrophe if we can’t spend ourselves into economic ruin, don’t you see?
PELOSI
You mean 1.2 billion for the pigeon coop rehabilitation project isn’t too much?
OBAMA
Too much? Not enough is more like it. Rehabilitating pigeon coops would create 27 new jobs.
Everyone starts twittering in excitement. The THERAPIST looks nervous.
OBAMA
Don’t you feel like a king when you can buy anything you want with other people’s money? Don’t you just know that the greedy rich deserve to be wrung like dish rags until their last few shekels fund socially conscious projects?
PELOSI
You mean like funding ACORN to fraudulently register fake voters?
OBAMA
Sure. And providing welfare benefits to illegal immigrants.
THERAPIST
Uh… thanks for your input, Barack, but what I was trying to say is-
BARNEY FRANK gets up and heads for the door.
FRANK
I feel liberated!
MURTHA
Me, too! Greed is good!
REID
But only if it’s government greed!
PELOSI
I’m going to make a shopping list of liberal projects to help working families!
OBAMA
Don’t forget the families that don’t work!
PELOSI
It’s intoxicating!
EVERYONE (Singing to the tune of "Give Peace a Chance")
All we are saying, is give pork a chance!
All we are saying is give pork a chance!
All we are saying is give pork a chance!
Everyone rushes for the door.
THERAPIST
Hey, nobody paid me!