Fairness in Sports

The Democratic Party's Congressional Progressive Caucus in conjunction with the Democratic Socialists of America (but I repeat myself) issued this policy proposal today:

"In a nation of where all men, women and children should be created equal by the efforts of government, it is unconscionable that outcomes in professional sporting contests continue to be unfair. After due investigation, we find that:

- Some teams have accumulated points far in excess of their legitimate needs. Those points belong to all professional sports teams and should be given back to the losers. After all, it was the losers who helped the winners gain all those points in the first place.

- Underachieving sports teams should be designated as a protected class. Attempting to score on them should be deemed a hate crime.

- All sporting contests should end in a tie as a matter of sporting social justice. There's no excuse for losing teams to feel bad, especially because it's not their fault. What's more, striving to conquer opposing teams smacks of imperialism.

- The title, "Super Bowl", is elitist and denigrates the contributions made by teams who weren't allowed to play in the game because they were standings challenged. We believe the title should be changed to reflect a spirit of cooperation rather than competition. "Play Nice Together Bowl" is more appropriate and teams should be selected at random to cooperate in it.

- Teams in richer markets have an advantage in hiring more capable athletes and should have their revenue equally distributed to all teams in the league. The New York Yankees should be disbanded as just restitution for monopolizing championships for so many years. (We have taken under advisement objections by Sen. Schumer (D-NY) and in the interests of fairness have under consideration disbanding the Republican Party instead.)

- All professional sports teams should look like America. Hence, they should all be comprised of 51% women, 15% black people and 18% Hispanics, unless, of course they already exceed those quotas. Alternatively, all athletes should look like Tiger Woods. This is especially relevant to the National Hockey League which continues to seriously exclude women and minorities on the ice. (A Senate committee is planning to conduct hearings on the under-representation of African hockey players, especially from northern African countries that have historically been deprived of professional hockey leagues by their colonial oppressors.)

- Baseball's seventh inning stretch is un-American because it excludes certain handicapped people who cannot stand and needs to be replaced with group hugs.

- To ensure multi-cultural diversity, the playing of the National Anthem before sporting events must be replaced by the national anthem of Mexico or whatever third world country American imperialist forces are currently bombing. (A committee is studying a proposal by Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) to also include Cowboy poetry.)

- Rooting for a home team may cause other opposing teams to question their self-worth and lower their self-esteem. Henceforth, all sporting apparel should have the logos of all teams in the league. If a player's name is included, it should be replaced with the names of all players in the collective, especially those who were cut in the pre-season.

- Sports bars continue to foster partisanship and should be required to have equal customer representation for both teams to prevent unequal cheering. Federal monitoring is needed to enforce compliance.

- Likewise, legislation is needed to ensure that all radio and television sports broadcasts represent all points of view, not just that of the home team.

- Professional sports players' unions should be replaced by the Service Employees International Union which should then be given 100% ownership of all professional sporting teams. (We endorse a White House proposal to create a Professional Sports Czar, said position to be filled by the President until another suitable candidate is found who also has a Nobel Peace Prize.)

- Because private referees have been unable to locate and stop all rules infractions, they should be replaced by federal employees under a new Game Fairness Administration.

- A National Sports Agency needs to be created that will monitor such regulations as are needed to level the players and the playing field in all professional sports."

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