Transcript of Bush cabinet meeting:
BUSH: Something needs to be done. There’s a good chance the terrorists could win.
CONDI: Al Qaida?
BUSH: Worse. Democrats.
CHENEY: The president’s right. Congress is in danger of falling to the enemy.
RUMSFELD: So what’s your October surprise, Karl?
ROVE: Start a war. People rally around the president in times of war.
RUMSFELD: What do you call that thing we have going on in Iraq?
CONDI: Yeah. People are rallying, but not around the president.
ROVE: We have to invade a country everyone hates so much they’ll forget about Iraq.
BUSH: I got it. California.
CHENEY: Look George, we all hate Hollywood here, but really….
CONDI: Besides, wouldn’t that piss off Arnie?
RUMSFELD: No shit! Did you see Terminator?
CONDI: And we’d probably lose their electoral votes.
ROVE: We would anyway.
BUSH: Well, what do you suggest? Iran? Cuba? North Korea? Venezuela?
CHENEY: France.
CONDI: France?
CHENEY: Yes, France. We can prove they have weapons of mass destruction.
ROVE: And they’ll surrender so fast we’ll have a victory parade before election day!
BUSH: Besides, they got all them French sheet heads causing trouble.
CONDI: You mean rag heads?
BUSH: You heard me.
RUMSFELD: One problem. The Army and Marines are stretched really thin.
CHENEY: So, what forces do we have available for an invasion?
RUMSFELD: Private Sarah Lumpenfeld. I hear she’s good, but I don’t know if she could carry all that equipment into battle.
CONDI: We may have to rethink this.
ROVE: I’ve got it. Monaco.
CHENEY: Brilliant, as usual, Karl. It’s small. It’s unarmed. It’s decadent. It’s French.
BUSH: What about oil? Do they have oil?
CHENEY: I think they’ve got a gas station.
BUSH: Good enough.
CONDI: But what’s the pretext?
BUSH: They’re holding Grace Kelly hostage.
RUMSFELD: She’s been dead for years, George.
BUSH: Those bastards! Was she beheaded?
RUMSFELD: Maybe we should think of something else.
ROVE: How about terrorist financing?
CONDI: I see where you’re going with this. Monaco casinos. Rich Arabs. It’s a match!
CHENEY: That’s it, then. Monaco is a front for terrorist financing and we have to stop it.
RUMSFELD: I’ll send an alert order to Private Lumpenfeld.
BUSH: One thing. Who’s president of Monaco, just in case I’m asked…